The toxicity of negative emotions doesn't impact our health alone, but spreads over and infiltrates our gifts, talents, workplace, relationships, and every other aspect of our lives. Negative reactions from grief result in poor interpersonal relationships, no matter how close or distant. These emotions can make us over react, and become paranoid as we misread other people’s intentions. We feel caught in a masquerade of grief to the point that we are no longer sure who we really are. If we don't find ways to effectively dissipate the toxicity of our traumas, we not only jeopardize our own well-being, but we risk destroying valuable relationships and infecting the next generations with the same germs of dis - ease.
With or without a traumatic experience, I believe most parents are pulled in every direction, so busy with demands of keeping food on the table and a roof over everyone, and often unintentionally send mixed messages to their children. They tell their children they love them but then do not have time to sit down and hear about what is going on in their lives. The situation is more complex with a parent coping with the loss of a spouse, loss of a child, loss of a parent, etc. Nobody else around seems important because we are so engrossed in our pains that it reflects in ways we respond to genuine questions from our family members.
At the sudden passing of my husband, I had no job. The oldest of my three children was 12 years old, I lost all we both worked for to in-laws, I was in a foreign country, and no one to relate with.
My head and my mind were my thinking companions where I juggled my decisions and strategies on issues that I didn't see coming. I was always lost in thoughts. I lost consciousness of my environment most times. I let out my anger and frustrations at anyone that would ask any questions at the wrong time, depending on the problems I was processing for resolution at the time. I turned into a different me, I became haughty, easily angered and irritable, the complete opposite of what I should represent in Agape Love. I was tagged as being a snub, proud, arrogant, etc. in the community. People that knew me very well before the incident understood the emergence of the 'new me'.
My children were too young to understand the switch from their loving Mum to this cranky and inpatient Mum. Along with my housekeeper, they had the greatest hit. Periodically, I asked my children for their forgiveness each time I remember those days, and how I took my frustrations on them.
The truth is that sensitive (no matter how mature) children will pick up the troubled emotions from us, and that might be too much for them to bear. They can easily withdraw, and secure themselves within their own thoughts, ideas, and emotions, or in friends. Remember, these children have also lost someone close to them as well. They are also battling with the emotional trauma of the loss, but may not be able to express their pains in words.
My children lost their father. I tried to imagine the shame of being left alone when their classmates were designing their father's day greeting cards.
Dads held pre-game practice sessions with their sons. I had to be the one throwing baseballs for my son to practice and sharpen his hitting skills. The only Mom at my son's baseball game where only Dads were invited for father's day games. I had to be the one to dance with my daughters at the middle school graduation party when it was time for the daughter-father dance, praise God!
Even though I was there with them, their father was obviously absent, we lived in a Family community, and only children without a father in the community.
Let us be sensitive to the feelings of our immediate family members, especially our children. Spend quality time with them intentionally, girls usually yearn for this more than boys. Allow them to be expressive, don't rush them. Plan a time out outside your home, and create fun activities you can enjoy together. Don't be too caught up in your emotions that you lose them to their friends or other people that may be available to them to talk to.
Let your voice still be the loudest they hear, and your shoulders the softest they lean on.
Proverbs 24:3-4 NKJV
Through wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches.
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